i have decided that friday nights out, saturday nights out, weekday nights out are all essentially a waste of money unless i'm going to have a good time. i went out last night in a really good mood but nobody else was, coupled with the fact all my friends got thrown out of the local indie disco for trying to get in for free, whereas i had paid to get in and then left anyway because in my old age i no longer can go out and know everyone.

In my wanky self indulgent head i think i can't have fun because i can't relate to people anymore really. not most people anyway. the places i used to go to used to be for want of a better word "alternative" and it wasn't always busy but generally everyone was out for a good time and it wasn't really about who was cool, not nearly so much as it is now. now that indie/rock music is mainstream (which is a good thing obviously for various reasons) aload of trendy wankers seem to be everywhere and i can't relate to songs about having the same jeans on for four days now or wanting to wear those stupid smock dresses that make your butt look big and your tits look tiny. or maybe i'm just old. i know the people and music that i like is out there, but whereas i don't mind trawling ebay for records by a band nobody seems to have heard of is quite appealing, trying to find like minded people is a bit more difficult. this is because i don't really know what my mind is. i think i'm one of those dull people who has gone past the phase of wanting to be drunk out of my head, and now i want to have a nice bottle of wine (not the cheapest one in the shop!) and have arguments about whether vinyl or cds are better.

so what to do instead. well, in fairness. i can't afford to go out really, i'd rather save up for some form of europe road trip that is happening this summer. plus i think getting out of this crazy town for a while is what i need. last week i made the stupid remark that it was now too late to do all the things i wanted to do and get all the things i wanted to get

Things i want to do and have:

My Own House - that i can decorate and keep nice + clean.

A dalmatian - or to be more precise a fleet of dogs led by a dalmatian.

learn how to drive/get a VW campervan and paint it brown and yellow.

Travel to places such as "anywhere but here"

get my degree (this is getting harder everyday)

be able to buy clothes which are not second hand (not that i mind that all my clothes are second hand, i just wish i had the option sometimes)

i can do all this. i just need to get off my arse, stop wasting money on getting drunk and having a shit time, get a job and make some bloody money!i'm hoping that by starting to get myself in gear, i will eventually find my way to gaining everything i want. i'm pretty sure the answer to all my woes is not in this seaside town, and definatly not in the endless cans of cider i've been drinking.

wish me luck

oh also-my camera has died an incident with a cup of tea....however i needed a better one anyway so im saving up and iv got ltos of ideas then i will be uploading on a regular basis

to get myself some motivation im setting myself this task. a good friend is donating a camera to my cause soon, so it should mean a nice mix of digital and analog photos. since im unemployed atm what a better way to pass the time? also im going travelling later this year so that should be a good oppurtunity to take some photos. but first, iv got to delete all that old teen angst poetry from my gallery. its just embarassing...


THE HIT LIST............................
1. Introduction [link]
2. Love
3. Light [link]
4. Dark
5. Seeking Solace [link]
6. Break Away
7. Heaven [link]
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory [link]
12. Insanity [link]
13. Misfortune
14. Smile
15. Silence
16. Questioning [link]
17. Blood [link]
18. Rainbow
19. Gray
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign [link]
28. Sorrow [link]
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain [link]
31. Flowers
32. Night [link]
33. Expectations
34. Stars [link]
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes [link]
38. Abandoned [link]
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion [link]
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood [link]
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67% [link]
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror [link]
76. Broken Pieces [link]
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation [link]
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red [link]
87. Food [link]
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Solitude
100. Relaxation

delete old craptastic, self indulgent, wank poetry. wah. heartbreak seems so much more painful when your 15. i am going to upload some more photos. i am going to take some more photos. i am going to delete crap photos and buy a new camera. mmm christmas.

hope y'all alright. i cant even remember who any of my DA friends are...

jem x

for

a)never coming on here
b) the fact im about to post about 6 deviations in succesion. enjoy. also check scraops for heaps of bollocks #

but im moving out on tuesday so i wont be on here much if ever. the only net access i will have is at my university campus which is often full of homosexuals surfing myspace so dont count on a big jem presence. i would like to thank the subscription fairy for giving me a month of joyous large thumbnails and emotes on my journal. people have m number. if not find someone who does and you shall come to the great housewarming expedition of 2006. see you guys around. take it easy.


ps you smell.